Where do you think most abandoned boys live? At home. Sadly, inadequate or missing attention from the father-figure is very common. It overshadows the development of boys and subsequently corrupts the spirit of men.
Because they are our primary models of masculinity we unwillingly follow the path of our fathers sinful footsteps. In other words, bad examples will be followed. Monkey see, monkey do.
Daddy issues caused by a father who mistreated, who was, let’s say, an alcoholic or workaholic often result in boys having difficulties becoming men. It’s one of mother nature’s laws that paternal behavior lays a blueprint for how sons will lead their lives. Even when aware of it, it is generally very hard, if not sheer impossible, to free oneself of the shackles of crappy fatherly role modeling.
I myself now fully realize that the absence of a primary model of masculinity plays a major role in my difficulties with finding my way. Becoming a man so to say. Which makes that, quoting Fight Club, I am a 36 year old boy.
Daddy Issues in Pop Culture
Given the omnipresence of daddy issues it’s not surprising that this leitmotif is so frequently addressed in pop songs, movies, TV shows, and in the great-grandfather of them all, comic books. As someone mentioned on this forum thread; “Name me a superhero who has parents at all?”
In ‘Evil Deeds’ Eminem raps;
I don’t wanna be Satan’s spawn”. And; “Father please forgive me for I know not what I do. I just never had the chance to ever meet you. Therefore I did not know that I would grow to be my mother’s evil seed and do these evil deeds.
Good Will Hunting‘s coping mechanism is hiding. He isn’t trusting anybody
because the first thing that happened to him was that he was abandoned by the people who were supposed to love him the most. He hangs out with those “retarded gorillas” because ” every one of them if you asked them to would take a fuckin’ bat to your head, o.k.? That’s called ‘loyalty.’” “He pushes people away before they have a chance to leave him. It’s a defense mechanism, all right? And for 20 years he’s been alone because of that.
On a personal level, I can relate to this scene. During college my best friends were the local gypsies. Something my upper class classmates frowned upon to say the least. But with these people I felt accepted and safe. They helped me fix my moped when it broke down and were (eagerly) willing to beat up those who would even think about fighting with me.
In a way they filled the void my father left as well as provided an environment in which I didn’t have to unlock my potential. In which I could hide. The latter being a result of feeling inferior as I now understand.
Unstable Masculine Identity
The inability to develop a stable masculine identity is addressed beautifully in Chuck Palahniuk’s Fight Club. Some emblematic elements in the book and movie are; castration (threatening to cut the police commissioner’s balls off), testicular cancer, impotence (Jack is only able to have sex when his dissociative personality Tyler has spawned), and Bob’s bitch tits.
For years I thought I liked that movie so much because of its critique on consumerism but on a subconscious level I must have known that Tyler Durden relates to my own shaded spirit. Tyler is the depiction of the anger the narrator feels about his fathers unavailability, and as a result his incomplete male identity.
The narrator tries to fill the void by buying stuff he doesn’t need. Tyler represents the suppressed shadow side present in so many men (and women) nowadays.
Tyler is the unmasked anger that has been suppressed during Joe’s life.
Most of us are unaware and/or afraid of our dark side. We tend to run from it and it often manifests itself in the form of projection. We see and criticize our own traits in others for example when we say or think someone isn’t honest or is always late to overcome our own inadequacies.
Carl Jung’s Shadow Work
Psychoanalyst Carl Jung referred to the “shadow aspect” as a part of the unconscious mind consisting of repressed weaknesses, shortcomings, and instincts.
Maybe the only thing each of us can see is our own shadow. We never see others. Instead we see only aspects of ourselves that fall over them. Shadows. Projections. Our associations. The same way old painters would sit in a tiny dark room and trace the image of what stood outside a tiny window, in the bright sunlight. The camera obscura. Not the exact image, but everything reversed or upside down.”
Embracing Your Shadow Side – Freeing The Shaded Spirit
In the book Absent Fathers, Lost Sons, The Search for Masculine Identity by psychoanalyst Guy Corneau, passive aggressive behavior is typecast as a typical trait of lost sons. Tyler Durden peeing in the soup, projecting penises in family movies, and selling women their fat asses back to them are expressions of such passive aggressive behavior. Another way to canalize this latent aggression are the basement fights. The basements symbolize the shadow side as well as suppressed manliness.
Lately I’ve come to the realization that I too indulge in such passive aggressive behavior. Instead of sabotaging cinema’s and restaurants I have been sabotaging my life. It manifested in being very passive, not trying to unlock my potential. The lack of motivation to make something of my life is probably because I am scared. Frightened on a subconscious level to fail, to lose the things (relationships, success, etc) you may gather, or that it may disappoint.
But I want to change. I want to stop hiding. Show myself. Be happy about what I do. Develop better, sustainable, relationships, which is hard because I didn’t have these with the most significant people in my life. These insights encourage me but awareness isn’t enough. Embracing my shadow in order to free the shaded spirit means I will have to stick my neck out. Effort and persistence are crucial. We have to be courageous because without it we’re merely puppets, our movements restricted by the strings of our father complexes.
Stepping Outside The Shadow
Now is the time to do the things I always wanted but something is still wrong. I noticed I keep hiding in the safe darkness of known misery. I seems like I am addicted to feeling miserable. It’s what I know best.
In the book titled; “The Shadow Effect: Illuminating the Hidden Power of Your True Self” it is argued that we need to embrace our dark side in order to free ourselves from its restrictive shadow.
As Deepak Chopra, co-author of the book, mentions; our dark side holds the promise of a better, more fulfilling life. But how to embrace your shadow self? How to be complete? You have to not only accept your negative personality traits but exhibit them as well. He states that;
Self-acceptance, total self-acceptance, means self-forgiveness. When you forgive yourself and stop judging yourself, then you won’t judge others.
Tyrion Lannister, my favorite character in the epic TV show Game of Thrones said it best;
Never forget who you are, for surely the world won’t. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.
Cutting The Strings
My father doesn’t live anymore but the ominous, defiling shadow of my father complex is still with me. Its darkness (sub)consciously influences my thoughts and actions. What makes things even more difficult is that I have to do better. For he had never made anything of his life and regretted it. But instead of showing me how to do so he imprinted from my earliest childhood how to fuck up majestically.
Nevertheless I will keep going on. Acceptance, awareness, and taking action are the first steps to take. As I understand I need to canalize latent aggression into self-knowledge by facing my dark side.
Like Fight Club’s Narrator did by creating his alter ego. By killing his imaginary idol he basically transcended the immature part of himself. These developments were a necessary means because in the end it turned out to be purifying. No light without the dark.
Hell, even Jesus Christ had to die to free his spirit.
